New Lessons

Maddie taught me a lesson today.

I have a hard time letting go of my kids. I try to take on the majority of the responsibility for taking care of them and feel that incessant mommy guilt when others step into help. The reality of it is that I have a hard time recovering from the break. I also don't do transitions well. Once I've taken a break or have done my own thing for awhile, becoming Mommy again is a difficult mind shift. It goes the other way too. The afternoons I have to go to work, it takes me awhile to settle into work-mode. So today when we arrived at an indoor play place only to find it PACKED (on a Friday morning)....I had a hard time letting them go and a hard time transitioning from just the four of us singing in the van to loads of kids (that aren't mine) running crazily indoors.

I've been slowly getting back to the regular outings we always did before Noah was here. We usually leave the house at least once a day (this was a goal of mine to help stave off cabin fever). Jack generally asks in the mornings where we are going that particular day. I also find that I am not at good at playing with the kids when Im at home. I am too easily distracted my housework and chores. I can play much better when were out and away from laundry, dishes and such. I've been checking off the regular places we go, working from the most contained to the least. We have the routines for each trip down pat. From what we wear, to what kinds of snacks to bring, to the timing of the trip...we've got it. Now that Noah is with us, things have changed a bit (i.e. nursing an infant in public while trying to keep an eye line on a 2 and 4-year old). Thank you Auntie Kelsey for the hippie wrap that has saved my life. I started my solo-ventures with a visit to a community center open gym. It went well. I put Noah in my sling and chased the kids. Open Gym...contained, one scannable room, fairly uncrowded. CHECK!! I got practice at the Zoo, shopping and the Children's Museum. The one that made me most uncomfortable was going to an indoor play ground.

Jack is cool on his own at places like this. He can climb up and down, figure out his way around, meet other kids and find me if he needs help. Maddie is just a little too small to get around on her own, frequently gets stuck and pretty much just wanders the whole time with no rhyme or reason. She and I usually play together in the huge structures (even while I was pregnant). I remeber that I always wanted my parents to come and play with me at these places and have always vowed to be the parent that plays with their kids. Plus its a good workout. But now with Noah here it is impossible to climb up and up and up and then slide and do all the fun things a playground requires. So today was going to be the day that Maddie was going to go it alone. I figured Jack could help out should she get stuck, and since it was a weekday morning the place shouldn't be busy so I could yell to her. Even if worse came to worse I could leave Noah in the stroller and go help her out.

I should have known by the severe number of minivans in the parking lot that this wasn't going to be a good day to go. But I had a free pass and a packed lunch and the kids were ready to play. So we went in and saw KIDS EVERYWHERE. Seriously...it was a no school day. Jackets and Boots in a locker, I had to wait a good three minutes before I could even go near the playground. It was chaos, huge loud noisy chaos. The minute we went in Jack and Maddie disappeared. I tried to keep an eye on Maddie and very quickly lost sight of her. With so many people around there would be no way of knowing if she were okay or needed my help. Anxiety building, I had to quickly resolve myself to trusting her and giving her freedom to explore on her own.

I probably sound like a very overprotective parent. That I am not. I try to be a distant supervisor and let natural consequences teach lessons. But I do not like crowds and I usually have the luxury of visiting places during off-peak hours so know what it is like to have places almost to ourselves, and I love it!!!!!

She did great. I would catch sight of her every few minutes. I don't think she climbed very high, just traced the same path through the playground over and over. She would come and find me, check in and then go off running again. It was very sweet. At one point she returned to me with a huge piece of candy in her hair and another time I found her and she had decided to take off (and leave behind) her socks and was running around barefoot. But she LOVED it, in fact her laughter was how I spotted her a few times.

When we left she was exhausted, as we all were. And even with her new found freedom and independence at the indoor play place, she still asked to hold my hand as we walked in the house.