Little Bugg

I think it is about time to talk about Noah. "Third babies", I catch myself saying that fairly frequently. He really is an easy going child. Even as I was growing him in utero I sent him messages and talked with him about how he really had no choice, but to fit in and jump into our routine. I remember telling him in the hospital that he was going to have to speak up if and when he needed something. And that he did, and does.

What a lot of people don't know is that Noah had to spend extra time in the hospital after he was born. He started to run a high temperature and they were not able to figure out why. Poor little guy had IV's and blood draws, x-rays and even a spinal tap before he was three days old. The temperature resolved and we were able to take him home. Even though he stayed put in the special care nursery at the hosptial, it gave he and I a lot of time to bond together. I had the opportunity to talk with him and tell him how things were. While this was scary for me, I just knew that he was going to be okay and somehow I felt it too. He looked quite like an old man with a big giant nose when he was born, but he also seemed to have the wisdom of one as well.

I knew from the start that Noah was attached to me differently than the other two were. I believe that they all love their mama (and daddy too), but somehow this was just a little different. To this day, he knows when I get home from work in the evenings (he wakes up demanding food) and seems to prefer if he has an eye-ball on me. I always wanted my kids to be able to separate from me and trust that I would return. The older two aways were able to do this, I think having them in day-care helped to develop this. But since Noah isn't in day-care I was a little worried that with his strong attachment to me and having me around all the time would lead to neediness, and dependence on me. Not Noah.

I am able to volunteer at an ECFE class on thursday nights and actually stay in his classroom with him during the class. I tried to ignore him as best I could and play with other kids. It was so interesting to watch him watch me playing with other children. At first he needed to be around me and with me at all times and cried when we separated. However now, with a little help from the BRILLIANT ecfe teacher, he is content to play and scan the room every now and again to check-up on me.

Noah has learned to fend for himself, and this is great, because sometimes I just cant get to him right away. I remember the day that we all woke-up super early and I was trying to make coffee, get the big kids fed, probably get a load of laundry in, etc. I finally realized that I hadn't even changed poor Noahs over-night diaper and began to look for him. He was content, and I knew he had been played with by big brother and big sister as they had colored on him with marker. He had also found his own breakfast of something (edible) that was discarded under the couch. I still dont know really how I should feel about this, but truly I wasn't bothered. He did exactly what I asked him to do, jump in and join our crazy train.

Pretty as a picture

I want to take a blog moment and reflect on just why I do this, blogging. I have gotten a few very kind and meaningful compliments from folks who have read my entries. It was SO reassuring and motivating for me to continue to write my experiences with my children. Initially I started keeping a blog when Jack was born to document his life, however only kept up with it for 6 months or so. Once Noah was born I stumbled on it again and realized I had no idea who the hell was writing that stuff. It all seemed so trite and perfect and cutesy and cookie-cutter, and I'm none of those things. I began to read docce.com and fell in love with her brutal honesty and take on being a parent, and decided to give it another go.

I wanted to capture the real stuff that happens, and I think I'm doing that. It has also turned into therapy for me. It forces me to summarize and pick out the meaningful things that happen or to change my perception of a moment in my crazy world of three kids, to help me learn and grow. There is no stopping in the moment to reflect, but in the quiet of Monday evenings I think I have found a place to help it all sink in. This helps to keep the details of the stories and preserves the small moments that happen so often but are fleeting and difficult to catch.

It is not easy. I don't want to make it seem easy. It takes a lot of work. It hit me one afternoon this weekend that it had taken 3 hours for us to get ready to attend a party. It didn't seem like work at the time, probably because I was focused on the next hundred things to do and have become accustomed to the routine, but when I stopped I had to give myself some serious props. I yell, I give time-outs (to my kids and myself when needed), I swear. I'm by no means a perfect parent, nor do I aspire to be. I know how to turn any moment into a learning moment, I know how to say I'm sorry, and I know that I don't know everything.

Before John and I had kids we had MANY "pre" conversations about many things, big and small. Religion, school, rules, money, work, family, children. We agreed that we wanted to be the kind of parents that interacted with their kids. Nothing makes me more sad than a parent who sits on the sidelines watching (yes there are times when this is appropriate, I get this). Climb that slide, go swimming and get your hair wet, turn off the TV and play a board game, coach their team, volunteer at their school, experience life together.

I will admit that this is a DAILY struggle for me. I have to remind myself to do this. I get very distracted by household tasks, and my beloved iPhone at times. Right now I'm under the impression that my kids think I am the coolest mom, ever. I get loads of hugs and kisses, Madeline calls me her "best friend", Jack asks to hold my hand and still comes into our bed for early morning cuddles, and Noah...well Noah is my Noah-Bug and is still very much in love with his mama. I want to take advantage of this while it lasts. Hopefully through experiencing life together and by making true, honest and good memories I've reinforced this thought again and again and again. Because I know that if I'm doing my job right they will begin to need me less and less. While that is inevitable, important and true, hopefully they will always, deep down (even if they wont admit it to anyone else), think that I am the coolest mom, ever.

Alone Time

Alone time may seem a thing of the past, that is alone time for Me. Forget about alone time with John... a date, whats that?!?!

Each time we have added another child to the mix it seems as if the alone time (aka individual attention) for each one gets to be less and less. This too is an important thing to me too to offer individual undivided attention to each child. This is hard to do. I mean it is really hard to do. So I have had to get creative with finding time for each one. I try to take someone with me on even the smallest errand, and simply titling it a "date with mom" seems to make it more special. I have also tried to create small simple routines that allow for the 1:1 time as well.

Jack I really have not had to worry about. He got to have more 1:1 time than probably Madeline and Noah combined!! He needs it too. He is the one who still sneaks into my bed before the sun rises almost every morning. He has learned very quickly that he can crawl in on my side and he wont wake up (and then get kicked out by) dad. This is great cuddle time, and we often share secret whispers as we begin to wake up. I also get a little alone time with him each morning when I walk him to the bus stop. This is a nice time together, we talk about his day or I teach him Camp St. Croix songs or not to step on cracks in the sidewalk.

Madeline gets stuck in the middle. She really only got 3 months of true alone time with me last year when Jack was in pre-school and before we had Noah. So I tried to take advantage of that and give her 1:1 trips to the Children's Museum, Zoo, shopping, etc. Finding time alone with her has proven to be the biggest challenge. Until now. Jack is in school in the mornings, and Noah still takes a morning nap. So after the boys are gone or sleeping we have "girl time". Most mornings she starts to pick out what she wants to do during "girl time" immediately. She is patient in waiting to do the special things (like play Hi-Ho Cherry-O, or play-doh, or helping to do dishes, cook or the laundry). We have about an hour or so each morning that is just for us. The testosterone clears the air and we can sit quietly and interact with one another (without wrestling...weird) and enjoy one another.

Noah Bug. Poor third babies. Good thing I nurse my kids, otherwise he may never get alone time with me. He is still waking up in the middle of the night (sometimes twice) and I think that he knows that is an opportunity for 1:1 time, and I'm not fighting it at all. He gets the occasional trip to the grocery store or gas station. But really, he gets schlepped into whatever the group as a whole is doing.

Until about a month ago.

I discovered early this summer that Ikea will give me a free one hour break from the kids. I resisted this convenience at first because I have a serious serious issue with any potential "dumping" of my kids anywhere. I'm working on this (not really). But we were there and Jack wanted to go in and ended up having a great time, as did I. The four of us were there about a month ago and Madeline requested to go in too. She had potty trained since we had been there last and was more than tall enough. Without reservation I signed she and Jack up to go and play and took off....alone with Noah!!!

We had the greatest hour. Looking at all the lights, puppies and dishes. I probably kissed him more times than was appropriate and I talked and talked and talked to him. I'm sure all of the other shoppers thought I was a lunatic, but I don't really care. I had found time with my Noah Bug. THANKS IKEA!!!!!

I cannot say that we have made trips every week to do this, but I think it is nice to have this little option in my back pocket. Plus who couldn't use a trip to Ikea at almost any moment, especially if it is with the cutest little Bug you've ever seen.

Matchy Matchy

I've caught glimpses of Maddie and Jack playing well together, getting along, caring for one another, taking turns, being kind and nice to one another. Thank goodness that this is starting to happen more and more frequently. I went into being a parent of more than one child with a clear understanding that I wanted my children to be close. This is very important to me. I've talked in the past about how we choose our space of our home (small) to basically be in each others personal space. How we choose the spacing of our kids (close) with the hopes that they would be "in to" the same stuff and become playmates and develop a close relationship.

In the last week Madeline and Jack have demonstrated that this is happening. They have started to develop their own games with rules, characters and props. They play "Koo Koo Kangaroo", trains, school or house together. They have started to put on shows and role play games. It is funny to see how concrete their thinking is in regard to roles. Maddie is always the girl role (mom, sister or grandma) and Jack is always the male (dad, brother, grandpa). The male is tough and does "manly" things. Maddie is often caring for her Baby Sue or cooking "Sheppard's Pie" out of sand and dirt. They have places to play that are away from me, so this can be exciting for them and allows them to regulate their own interaction with out mom-moderation. Madeline will follow Jack anywhere..which may or may not be a good thing. This very morning, I came up from the basement to find the backdoor open, as was the garage and the garage door. Jack had gone to retrieve a Frisbee in the neighbors yard and Madeline was doe-eyed excitedly following her big brother outside of their normal boundaries.

I've been patiently waiting for their positive interactions to happen. Watching them interact warms me from the inside out. However fleeting these moments are, they are hopefully the building blocks for a strong sibling relationship that will be supportive and deep.

So they have developed games, roles and routines with one another. I noticed them playing Hi-Ho Cherry-O together the other day, they set-up the game, took turns and cheered each other on before Jack decided that the game was over. Maddie fully supported her brother in this. But there was a moment that they were both sitting on the floor together looking at the game board leaning in to focus and their heads touched. It was a gentle bump of "nuggets" but was potential for an argument. But they just stayed engaged in the game and sort of leaned on each other for a minute during the game. It dissolved all of the "Mom, he is looking at me" claims, ever.

But what is really funny is that they have begun to coordinate their outfits. Madeline's dress phase is still going strong and in the morning when she put on a fancy princess dress Jack went into his room and changed into his "wedding clothes" as he calls it. He wore a suit (including a tie) all day long. They played "Prince and Princess" together all day. The next day they both decided that they wanted to wear Vikings Jerseys and jeans.

I think that this matching is an outward sign of something that is going on deeper inside of both of them. I think it is a clear signal of the bond that they are developing with one another. I hope that they continue to grow together and always find it appropriate to together wear their Prince and Princess outfits, Vikings jerseys or Koo Koo t-shirts.

Eventually we will just have to buy three of everything so Noah can be a part of the fun as well!!

Dress-up

Madeline has hit her dress phase. I knew it would come, and here it is. I anticipated this day, but haven't prepared for it. So we are stuck with 3 super duper dressy dresses (like flower girl dresses) that are in the rotation. I have never gone through a dress phase. I do not like them, I don't have many and plan to keep it that way. I do like to play dress-up, and get dolled up for occasions, and put on costumes for Halloween, but wearing a dress on a regular basis is pretty much out. I avoided dressing Maddie in dresses as a baby or a toddler mostly because they are just logistically lame. They get in the way, get pulled up, don't allow for good movement, etc. I do believe that most girls (and probably a good percentage of boys) go through a dress-phase.

Now, I am in the mind set of picking my battles. Generally if there is no bodily or emotional harm that will come, I choose to let my kids explore and experiment. I could care less that Madeline, after 2 seconds of looking choose to buy boys underwear because it had Elmo on it. Im glad that she can make a decision and stick with it. The superficial stuff just doesn't matter to me, its the life lessons that I try to keep in mind.

Back to the dresses. One of the best parts about this is that I don't care about how long they last or if they are kept clean, so she is free to play, run, jump, get dirty, eat, spill, etc. I think that is my biggest deal with dresses is that they force a certain kind of behavior, "lady-like" behavior. Anyone who really knows me knows that I can act like a lady, but don't want to. More than that I hate feeling constricted and held-back, and I just don't want that for my Madeline Maye. I never want her to feel limited or edited or stoppable.

On the other hand. I want her to be able to recognize that there are times for everything and places for everything. Sometimes you have to behave a certain way, and you have to be able to read others with both objectivity and subjectivity. I also want her to feel beautiful. I tell her every night before I leave her bed room that she is smart, kind, a good listener, wonderful and then I end the series of loving words saying "Madeline Maye...YOU...ARE...BEAUTIFUL".

So she might, for now, feel beautiful wearing her princess dresses and sparkly shoes. Someday it might be wearing her prom dress or wedding dress. I want to lay the foundation now for her to feel beautiful on the inside weather she is dressing up, down or in between.

Pokey Maddie Maye

Madeline is slow. The reasons are varied, and I'm trying to figure it out. But when push comes to shove, Madeline Maye is our Pokey Puppy.

Maddie probably isn't really slow. It is just that I have been broken in as a mother by Wild-Jack-ATTACK. And he is nothing but fast. He is so independent and just knows things, that I've gotten lazy about cuing him to do a lot of things. This is a good thing for me. However it hasn't been a good thing for Maddie. She needs a little more attention and a few more reminders and prompts to do things, and a substantial amount of time to do them in.

This may be TMI, but it really is the best way to describe how she is.

Madeline has recently decided to forgo diapers and use underwear instead. This is GREAT. John and I as parents have felt that kids will make this transition when ready and if pushed too early or too much they will delay the transition even longer. So we waited. And we waited. She gave signs, would try for a day or two and then refuse. We didn't push. But then the real thing came. She was READY, the stars were aligned and she did, in fact, need a little pushing. Pushing might be too strong, encouragement rather, to continue making the transition to underwear. "No pee-pee on Hello Kitty" was our phrase of the day, for several days. I still cannot even read that sentence with out laughing out loud. She did great. And there was a bonus: she stayed dry at night, right off the bat (as a measuring stick, Jack just started staying dry at night several months ago). So this was great. Now comes in the slow part.

Madeline likes privacy. A word that she knows from when others need bathroom privacy. She likes to ask for your help to get ready to go and then quickly demands her privacy and points you to the living room to wait her next command. This next command doesn't come, ever. Now there are times when privacy and taking your time in the bathroom is a-okay with me. AT HOME.

This doesn't work well when you have a 2-year old in a stall with you and a 9-month old, and you are trying to go quickly before the 9-month old crawls out of the stall, because that is hilarious. All the while trying to keep an ear on the 4-year old who must go alone in his own stall and tends to make friends with whomever he comes across. Then the 2-year old starts playing with the door lock, you wrap it up and grab the 9-month old who is 3/4 out of the stall (crawling on the super-clean bathroom floor). Once the 2-year old is safely on the pot she tries to demand her privacy and begin the restful lengthy time of rest on the pot. NOPE. As much as I hate it, I've had to give her count downs on the potty. This is a tried and true technique that parents use to help the transition from anything to anything (playing to eating, playing to bedtime, playing to bath, etc.) I never in a million years dreamed that I would be giving my daughter count-downs on transitions from toilet time to not-toilet time.

The mother-psychologist in me feels that this may come down to control. A part of it may be figuring out limits, her body and attention. All of this I know is true. But could it be possible, that in the chaos of our life with one another that she has found a slice of time that is all to herself. A place that she can be quiet and left alone? If this is indeed the case then I might take a lesson from my Pokey Maddie Maye and demand my own privacy once in awhile.

Sweetie Girl.

I've got a running list of things to talk about here. I thought I'd open with the difference in speed at which we are getting to know Noah, then I thought about talking about the pace at which Maddie operates. I'm not sure if this is ironic, or what...Jack trumps them both. I guess the oldest is used to making the most noise and being the center. So here goes (with the promise to share the Noah and Maddie story soon...maybe that is a story in and of itself).

Jacks first week of school ended with a shit-eating-grin. He got off of the bus on Friday afternoon and was beaming. He announced to me that he had sat with his "Sweetie Girl". He was going to marry her and that he loved his "Sweetie Girl".

As we progressed through the afternoon, he repeatedly told me that "I kind of love you, mom. I love Noah....but I REALLY LOVE MY SWEETIE GIRL". Now, keep in mind that he has no idea what Sweetie Girls real name is, just that he totally loves her.

Jack is a very affectionate boy. He loves to hug and kiss. When he and I went through how to ride the school bus, we pretended the front porch steps were the bus and I was the driver. We practiced waiting at the corner until the doors are open, greeting the driver, sitting still, etc. We did this several times and each time he got to "school" to get off of the bus he gave the bus driver a hug. He didn't do it because it was me, he did it because he is Jack. There must be something in Jack's genetic make-up that predisposes him to hugging. He does it a lot, and pleasantly surprises most people by his full on "you-are-awesome" hugs. It is quite cute. John is a hugger, he would rather hug than shake hands. I've been tempted to buy him a "FREE HUGS" t-shirt, on many occasions. So Jack comes by the hugs honestly.

Now that Jack is in more formal settings he has to become more aware of when and with whom hugs are best. (Picture: running up to and hugging the t-ball player on the opposite team once they reach home). I wish he could hug everyone he wished to, but I want him to learn to respect others space and right to say yes or no.

He is having a hard time with the ones that say "no".

This very morning I was waiting outside for Jack to come home. Once the bus pulled up to our house it took him a little longer than usual to get off of the bus. He walked down the stairs with his head down. I could feel the sadness across the 15 feet. Once he hit that bottom step he erupted into tears and ran into my arms. He squeezed me hard and cried even harder. "My Sweetie Girl didn't want to sit with me today on the bus". Ohhhh, my little boy!!! His poor little hugging heart was broken, and my mothers' heart was as well. He knew that she had sat with another girl on the bus (whose name he did in fact know). I tried to explain to him that maybe they wanted to sit together and didn't mean to hurt his feelings. I helped him to understand that he could sit with different people each day. I asked who he had sat with. This made it worse "No one, I sat all by myself". Ouch! Living in our small house, Jack has gotten used to having someone around for most everything and likes it. So sitting alone was terrible in his mind. He sobbed and sobbed. There were no good words at that time.

I had to do it. (Truth be told it was already part of the plan, but he doesn't have to know that). I just had to pull out the card that I knew would make this all better. McDonald's. Yes. McDonald's cured his broken heart today. A big long giant hug and McDonald's how could he say "no" to that?