Friday, June 3, 2011

Hard to be...

I had to have a heart to heart with Jack last night.

He has been very curious and energetic and destructively loud lately. We've worked to curb his energy, but he is my son. Therefore he is strong willed, independent and will figure out a way to do what he wants to do regardless of what I say. I have known this about him for quite some time and I give him a lot of leeway to figure things out on his own. My mom did this for me and I am appreciative of it. I learned to think for myself and stand on my own two feet very early. I appreciate that I got this experience at an early age where the consequences were not severe, so that when the stakes were high I knew how to handle myself.

But he has been nasty. Simply nasty, and hurtful to us.

So last night he and I were rounding out our evening, catching up on a little Thomas the tank engine on TV. I told him "Jack I love you like crazy, but it is sometimes very hard to be your mom". I went on to tell him that sometimes I just dont know how to help teach him to cooperate and behave, and that sometimes I feel so angry at him for the things he does. I asked for his help to figure this out.

He was sad. He curled into a little ball and cuddled even closer. He told me "Im sorry, mom". I wanted to take it all back and tell him that he is the best boy ever, and perfect and smart and awesome. But I knew he and I had to sit with this for awhile. So instead I waited until bed and then went through the series of sentences we say sometimes at bedtime. I say the first part and he fills in the rest.

I love you all the... time
I love you no matter... what

In everything that we do together, or thing he does on his own, if he knows those two things I think I've done my job (even on the rough days).